Most Likely

Endrit and I are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  With this comes the Holy Ghost and the blessings of the Temple.  We have placed our journey to parenthood into His hands.

We went to the Bountiful Temple this past weekend.  It was peaceful.  I always love being in the House of The Lord.  We specifically went with our journey into parenthood in our minds, hearts, and prayers.  Like every time, we came with the same answer; we are doing right in postponing our biological child journey.  But, at the same time, we didn't get the impression to seriously start our adoptive child journey.

So, we are resting.  We are becoming at peace with being just us again.  We both have some good goals.  Endrit started P90x again.  I got a personal trainer (1x a week for 30 minutes at the gym) and a membership to the gym.  I also plan on running in the Salt Lake City marathon.

Endrit got the go ahead to walk in graduation in May.  This means his degree could be finalized by the end of summer.  He will start the lovely job hunt in a few months.  This might be just the money blessing that we are looking for and we just need to be patient until that time.  

We are completely at peace with this decision.  It has been a long hard journey; especially for me.  My emotions have gone all over the place in wanting to become a mother.  My return to fulfilling my marathon goal will help with the wait this time around.

Issues

I have tried to keep this to myself.  I still would like to have any conversations as you read this as if you don't know the things that I am going to write.  This is hard for me to write out, so bare with me if it doesn't sound coherent.

The reason why I have not updated this blog in almost 2 months is because we switched gears.  We decided to try for a biological child.  This could be because 4 months ago we had a surprise pregnancy with an equally surprising miscarriage.  This wasn't our first miscarriage.  And as it has happened, wasn't our last either.

Endrit and I tried for a baby the first time in our married life in my August/September cycle.  We found out I was pregnant just to start miscarrying the next day.  It really hurt.  It did.  I can't even express how much it hurt.  It was my 3rd pregnancy with the same result.  But, children are important.  We want children.  It isn't that we feel bullied into children, we WANT them.

So, on to the September/October cycle.  I was happy to feel pregnant.  I was placed on progesterone after ovulation so that if that was the cause of the early miscarriages I would have something to prevent it.  Boy, I thought that this one was going to stick.  I was feeling horrid...well, I guess the better way to put it is pregnant.  I was happy with the morning sickness, the heartburn, the tender breasts, all of it that pointed to I might actually stay pregnant.  Then, my temperature dropped at the same time as my symptoms.  Just.Like.Last.Time.  I started spotting and I knew it was over.  Our 4th early pregnancy loss.  Hurt from the last time turned to devastation this time.

Through tears I asked Endrit if we could please not try again.  The only reason why we even started trying was because of money.  It is a lot less to have a child biologically than adopt from Albania.  I don't feel any less strong about adoption.  It is what we need to do.

I am so emotionally drained by our 4 miscarriages that since I feel so strongly about adoption I don't want to continue on trying.  It would be different if I just couldn't get pregnant.  But loosing a pregnancy is much harder than the thought of infertility.  At least with not being able to get pregnant you don't loose a potential life/child.  But this comes from a woman with repeat pregnancy loss and no infertility.

We are in limbo.  We are unsure where to go from here.  He would like to seek medical council.  I would like to get a home study.  Both of which cost a lot of money that we don't have.  We might just stay put until Endrit graduates.  It breaks my heart, but sometimes life is hard.  We will do what we need to do and that is all that I can ask of myself and Endrit.

been a while

I know that it has been a while since I have written a blog either here or my regular blog but that is because I don't really have an update.  Endrit and I are currently not working on adoption paperwork.  We haven't filed anything.  We are still in the research stage because of the requirements that we need to adhere to after the adoption takes place.  So, that is the update.  Sorry it isn't that great of an update.

So much to do so little time...

There is a constant nagging in the back of my head that I NEED to get the adoption paperwork done that I have to do.  I am going to try and catch up on that this weekend.  I will have Endrit fill out the things that he needs to do. It has been interesting to find out the amount of time I will be spending as a teacher.  I am not complaining, it is just a little bit eye opening.  I am excited to embark on a year of teaching.  Adoption is still right there in my mind.  The reason why I am working is because I need to pay for adoption.  It seems to be one in the same to me right now.  Endrit passed his proposal so he should be graduating in a year or so.  Things seem to be working out well enough.  It is definitely not a dull time in our lives.  

OH...and I have a question...I think I know everyone that has looked at my blog except one.  Who is at Buena Park California?

I know

I know that I said that we would be filling out our paperwork and everything before the end of August.  Well, I don't think that we will be done in that amount of time.  It takes a lot longer to gather some of the financial information when you are working full time and trying to do a proposal for a doctorate and teaching when a week ago I didn't know that I would be teaching.  So, it is kind of a non update today.  I have all of the paper work printed out.  I just have to fill them out.  And Endrit needs to print things out.

Adopting While Fertile

There are a few things that take place when you adopt and know that you are fertile.  One of those things is a regular cycle.  I know that it may sound a little off for some people, but when you know that you are supposed to do something and you have a pure desire to do that, it isn't crazy to you.

Just FYI for some readers, I have been off all forms of hormonal birth control for 3 years.  We use the Fertility Awareness Method as outlined in the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler MPH as our form of birth control.  The 2 times that we have gotten pregnant we knew that there was a direct possibility that it could happen and were not at all surprised.

There are a couple of complications that I have found to adopting and charting my fertility on a daily basis.  We are adopting because we would like to have children.  There are multiple ways to have children when you are in a situation like mine.  Every cycle around ovulation I think to myself that I could have my first baby approximately 9 months from now.  Not the 1-2 years from now that adoption would take.  But then I think about all of the spiritual experiences that I have had that lead me to adoption and it makes it a lot easier to get through the time of peak fertility.

I talk about this because it is a constant reminder to the title of this blog.  It is our choice to adopt.  We were not forced into this as a last resort.  We want to bring children into our lives in this manner.  It is special to us to do this.  It has brought us closer together than we could have expected.

No clue

I have been counting on getting a job.  How hard would it be for a Science teacher to get a job?  Really hard in this economy.  I am not getting a contract.  I have been told no by every school in every district that interviewed me.  At this point, I don't think that we will be able to start the process this month.  We are not able to pay the fee to apply let alone adopt.  Since there is a chance that I am fertile regardless of my losses in the past, there might be an option there.  There is nothing set in stone.  We may not adopt our first.  We may.  It is all up to Heavenly Father.

Overwhelming

I have never been much of a crier.  I am able to cry, but I can go months without crying.  With the stress of Graduate school, the miscarriage, trying to find a job, adoption, and all of the other things, I sit down just to rest and I just start tearing up.  I am able to accomplish everything that I need to do, but I cry.  I know that it is hormones.  They are slightly out of wack right now on top of my overwhelmedness. 

(I love how I can make up words)

I also have not been taking my medications.  I know, bad on me.  I have been feeling fine minus the weepy feelings.  Kitty snuggles make up for that.  The biggest thing right now on my plate is Adoption paperwork.  It is very emotional for me to fill out these papers.  It is my first REAL step forward in the adoption process which will make me a mother.  It is amazing the processes that people go through to become parents.  This is the way that Endrit and I are supposed to start our family.  We will do everything in our power to accomplish this step in our lives so that we can expand our love to children.  We are ready to become parents.  It is awe  inspiring to know that we are going half way around the world to pick up the children of our hearts.  

Money

There are many things about adoption that make me think that it is nearly impossible.  There are people all around the world that can't have children, who want children, and can care for children.  So, with all of that out in the world, why then is it so expensive to be able to adopt?  It isn't that I am complaining.  It is that I think that there could be more of it if one would be able to not need the amount of a down payment on a house to be able to adopt.  Literally, we will be spending the amount that we put down on our house to adopt.  Approximately $30,000.

I am going in for a science teaching job interview on Wednesday.  Yes, it is August and I haven't signed a contract yet.  I am getting a little bit flustered with that.  More putting one foot in front of the other and having faith that it will work out.  It isn't far fetched for me to think that I will be able to get this job.  I have worked at that school before.  I know most of the faculty and staff at the school.  I guess you would say that I have a foot in the door.

I have to be able to work a year just to be able to make enough to cover costs.  Not anything about living expenses after a child or two come into our lives, but just getting them here.  And, it is more than worth it.  There is a reason why Endrit is from Albania.  There is no question in our minds that our children will be in one way or another, Albanian.

So, right now things come down to money.  When it is all over, it will only be about the love that we have for our children.

Adoption Update

There are many things that I have not been talking about with my blog because it has been a sensitive issue.  Not the least of these is Endrit and I becoming parents.  We want to become parents.  We really do.  As far as actually trying we haven't been trying 100%.  We have gotten pregnant twice in our married life.  One of those times was a couple of weeks ago.  I have never been able to carry a pregnancy for more than a few weeks.  I have never even made it to the doctor before I miscarried.  It is miserable.  That is why when Endrit and I went to the temple and received the directive to adopt we were excited about it.  Then came the costs.  It seems impossible that we will be able to afford the adoption.  We know that we are adopting internationally from Albania.  We have children there waiting.  I feel that with all of my heart.  That is why I was surprised when we got pregnant.  We are now at the choice of waiting to adopt and having our biological child first, or biting the financial bullet and adopting before we have children of our own. 

I honestly don't want to make my children wait in Albania for us to get the funding.  We have gone too far in this direction to disregard all of our experiences and switch gears.  We have thought about it.  We have even planned for it when we got pregnant. 

So, we step forward with faith.  It is right and that is all that we need to know.  We pay tithing and have faith.  That is all that we can do.

Holy Paperwork!!!

I used to think that Endrit's citizenship paperwork was a large amount of paperwork.  Just the first emails that I have gotten from both the agency and the social worker have made Endrit's citizenship was a piece of cake.  I knew that it was going to be more, but I didn't think about how much more it was going to be.  I am glad that we  know this now.  I need to be able to do this in August when I have time off between summer school and the start of school.

The great thing about it is that it dies not intimidate me.  It just means that we have to get through it in order to connect to our children.

The greatest part of this is that it finally feels real.  It is hard for me to think about the process and not consider it a pregnancy; to not start tearing up.  I am getting so much closer to the time I will reconnect with my children.  I feel like a Mom.

Baby Room Inspiration

I know that Endrit will allow me to do whatever I would like with our children's room within reason.  Well, after literally years of searching for an inspiration, I think that I have finally found it!!!  It is frogs, red and green, it is so cute.  It is a wall lamp.  I am in love with it.  How cute is it!!??

house buying = home study

It really is something for me to think about.  The most confusing part of learning that it was time for me to adopt was the place that we lived in.  I knew that we had to move in order to even start the adoption process.  I always knew that everything was going to work out because I have God on my side.  So, now that we have been able to get all of the house hunting stuff and everything with buying the house, I have a renewed feeling of divine power in my life.  I know that it was something that was supposed to happen.

With that being done, I know that we were going to be doing our home study by the end of the year.  That is awesome to me.  Things are really starting to work out.  Things are starting to look like we will really be able to get everything done in the time that we think it will take to get our babies.

I am SO happy right now.

Perhaps

I have been off and on looking for inexpensive 2 bedroom apartments to rent in the Salt Lake City area just in case Endrit and I are not supposed to buy a house.  That is fine if we don't.  At this point I don't want to hassle with selling the property in 2 years.  Well, today I found a 2 bedroom apartment for less than what we pay right now.  I am thinking that we will seriously think about moving into the apartment.

This means that if we move, we will be able to start adoption paperwork whenever we want to.  We will have enough room for a baby or two.  It isn't where we live now in a small place with few neighbors, but I think that it would be a good thing to do for the time being.  I will let Endrit think it over himself.  I will say a little prayer to see if I should push the issue a little bit more.

Spending the day with a 7 week old

I was able to hold and cuddle with my 7 week old niece.  She is adorable!!  It got me thinking that there is a great possibility that I will never have a newborn.  If we end up not having any biological children, I will never have a newborn.  We will only adopt from Albania so they will be 6 months old or older when we adopt.  I was able to see some of the first smiles today.  I am going to soak in all of these little newborn moments just in case I don't have the opportunity to have a newborn child.

The other side effect is that I would love to have a child right now.  I know that I can take care of a child.  I could have stayed with my niece forever.  So, it has really made me excited for December when I think that Endrit and I will be moving so that we can start our home study.  I hope that the adoption will go smoothly.  I am more than ready to become a mother.  Having mother's day tomorrow doesn't help.

The Pains of Waiting

It has been a long time since I have posted because I got a full time job that doesn't allow blogger on the network computers.  There is nothing wrong with that, but I haven't had the time to come back and write any blogs after school.  So, here is a little bit of an update.

Everything seems to be working out wonderfully.  I still need to talk to my professors about taking the classes for next summer this summer.  I still need to sit down and talk to Endrit about all of this to figure out the right things to do.

As to the title of this blog, I guess I have to explain.  This is literal pain.   Every month.  I am on AF right now.  I wish that I could stop this part of being a woman as I know that I won't actually be using it for its intended purposes.  I complain now, I don't see how I could endure pregnancy and labor.  I know that it is totally worth it, but I just don't think that it is for me.

Endrit and I are pretty convinced that we will be adopting all of our children.  We think that we will not have a biological child.  We aren't carving anything in stone.  The option is still out there, but we think it is less likely than other options.  I guess that is one of the biggest changes.  I have been having troubles with my medications so maybe when it is settled again we will re-evaluate the situation.

So I am in mental pain, physical pain and at some points spiritual pain.  I pray things look brighter in the future.

Moving Next to the In-laws

Within Albanian culture it is normal for children to live with parents.  I always knew that Endrit's parents would be living close to us.  I know that I don't get along with his father.  It is with great thought that I consider buying a duplex and having my in-laws as neighbors.  It means that Endrit and I could buy a house with 3 bedrooms for our children.  It means that not only do Endrit and I not have to pay rent but his parents wouldn't have to pay rent either.  We would work together to pay off the loan.  That is how it works in Albanian society.

So, Endrit and I both feel really good about the offer that we will be putting down on the duplex. It is 99% certain that we will be placing an offer.

One of the biggest things that made right now the time to buy is that we knew we were going to move anyways.  We have 2.5 years left in SLC.  The markets are so low but it is starting to see the signs of coming up.  This is an interesting step in our lives to turn into adults.

A Home

I talked to a Realtor today after I saw a condo for an amazing price.  Endrit and I drove past the property today.  It isn't the newest, it isn't the best, but it is in our price range and it would be home!

Endrit's parents are giving us a loan for a down payment.  I will be able to pay that back (with interest) with my work as a teacher.

The first thing that got me to think about buying instead of renting for the next 2.5 years is that when we are able to buy, our mortgage will be over $100 / month less than our current rent.  We will be able to have our home study whenever the time is right without thinking about moving in the middle of it.  When we are done with school, Endrit's parents will be able to move in while we are gone and we can say that we have a rental property when we buy our house.  It is a win win situation.

We are working with a wonderful person and we might be able to be in our own home in May.  WOW!!

Conference

People that read this should know that I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  This weekend was General Conference weekend.  I was able to listen to the leaders of the church and feel of the spirit that is in the words.

Conference talked a lot about parenthood and how to lead our children in these times.  Or in better words, walk by our children in these times.  As I prepare for my journey into motherhood it is good to hear of these things.  I know that the world today is the world that is foretold in the Bible and Book of Mormon near the end of days.

The best time to learn about leading your family to righteousness is before you have children. This is good for me to hear for obvious reasons. I have not had the opportunity to have children yet.  I have had the opportunity to increase my testimony and my skills to become the best mother that I can be.

I also had the opportunity this weekend to meet up with one of my friends from Justmommies.  She is adopted so I was able to ask her a few questions about her growing up knowing that she was adopted.  That part of my journey is still needing help because I don't know the long term repercussions of adopted children. It makes me wonder what the circumstances will be that the children will be orphaned.  I hope that I will be able to teach my children about their birth parents.

There is a lot to think about with these things in the next year before we are going to adopt.

Focus

When thinking about the what ifs, it is easy for me to try and change the course of my life.  Right now I am thinking of my graduate school.  I don't know what will happen.  I wanted to just get my endorsement and not worry about going through the entire program.  Well, last night I just confronted myself and really set everything out for myself.

I know that I am supposed to go to graduate school.  I will graduate with a Masters in May 2012.  It will happen no matter what.  I like to take the easy way out sometimes, but I am supposed to be in SLC until 2012.  Now the big decision is if I should take 4 classes this summer instead of 2.

As far as announcing our intentions with adoption to people, it is starting to get out.  The family knows.  There are a couple of people at church that know.  Endrit's parents still don't know.  I don't know why he won't tell them.  It is getting to be common knowledge.

There is still no timeline.  I am guessing that the beginning of next year we will have a better timeline.  Endrit will know his graduation date better and we will have our student loans paid off.  Things are really starting to look great.  Now if I could just keep my focus on graduate school.

Albania Connections

I always knew that we had Endrit's family as an Albanian connection. Now, there is another connection to Albania.  My aunt and uncle got called to the Tirana, Albania mission.  They are working with the "young adults" in the church in Tirana.  It is amazing that they are going to be there.  When Endrit and I go to Albania in a year or so my aunt and uncle will be there.  I am amazed how many connections I am starting to have with Albania.  Amazing...

I am tired

I am tired because Endrit and I talked a lot last night since we saw my new niece.  He admitted to me that the only reason why we don't have kids right now is because he wants to have a permanent job that makes over $20K.  He told me that he enjoyed watching me be all motherly to Darcee.  He told me that he is baby hungry.

I thought that it was sweet that he would say these things.

He said that he wants to be a Dad.  He also said that he is less and less likely to ask me to ever get pregnant.  I find that funny.  he has always wanted his genetic experiment but he is never going to ask me to get pregnant.  That is nice.  I still have not completely made up my mind about having a child of my own.  I still have time to think about it.

He always seems to know the right things to say.  He really liked little Darcee.  I can tell that he really liked being around a newborn.

Survival of the species

Being a scientist, I have taken a couple of genetics classes in my life.  Because of this, I have approached fertility with the same scientific eye.  I hated birth control so I got onto the fertility awareness method.  There was scientific proof and it was proven to work, as long as you know all the rules and follow them to the tee.  Well, it has worked for Endrit and I for a couple of years now.  I like it.

What does this have to do with the survival of the species?

Everything when you want to adopt rather than have a biologic child.  Being very fertile I know when I am ovulating.  When I ovulate, it is just natural to want to "relax" with Endrit.  I am in the middle of ovulation right now.

When I didn't know that I was in fact going to adopt, it was hard for me to even be in the mood even at the height of mood times.  Now that I know that I will be a mother, I can be in a good mood, get out the protection and do whatever I want.  I am in graduate school.  I have a very stressed husband.  My sister in law gave birth to her daughter today.  I just don't have that desire to get pregnant every time I ovulate.

So, I have been able to beat the survival of the species instinct.  Since I will be having a family (even if it is unconventionally) I just divert that instinct to mothering instead of becoming a natural mother.

Because of my injury we were unable to get to the temple today.  We will be going on Tuesday night.  Who knows what answers we will be able to receive.

Parallels

I was talking to a friend last night.  She is dealing with medical issues that affect fertility.  She is waiting to be able to use fertility medicine and I am waiting to start my paperwork.  It is amazing how many parallels can be made when you talk about children. There is WTTC, there is waiting to start fertility medications, there is waiting to adopt, etc.

I always thought that I would not find anyone who could empathize with me during this process.  I know that I could not empathize with the women who come to adoption because they have had experiences that I couldn't dream of having with infertility.

I don't know anyone who has decided to do what Endrit and I have decided to do.  But, it is something that I am able to empathize with in different circumstances.  I can be lead to my path by the spirit.  I can use my experiences to be able to teach my children.  I know that I am going to write these experiences down for my children.  I have another spiritual experience to write about, but I need to be able to write this correctly before I can post it.

There are some things that are a bit personal to write even though only my most trusted friends are able to read this.  I know that I will post it here when I am finished polishing it off.

"I can not stomach it"

This is what Endrit just said as we watched the TV show "Bones" when they were showing the remains of the body that will be investigated.  I think that it is funny because "gross" things always come back to childbirth.  I am glad that there is something that is easily brought up to remind Endrit why we are supposed to adopt.  It is for both our sanities; just in different realms.

We are going to the temple next week and thinking about timing and just getting more information.  I just have to make it through the week.  It has been a while since I have been to church because of illness or anxiety.  I have to go tomorrow because I am substituting for primary.  I definitely need to take a Xanax before I go so that I can enjoy everything and be able to really feel the spirit.

Talking More

It is nice that Endrit and I are able to talk about adoption more.  While we were going to my parent's house we were able to talk about it a little bit more since I got my email from the US Embassy in Tirane.  I was impressed to find out that we could potentially adopt 6 month old children rather than the 1 year old children that I had previously thought.

It was great to get the email from the embassy.  It is so real.  I love it.

A time to tell...

Endrit and I were talking the other day about when we are going to tell various people.  Obviously if you are reading this blog, you knew about it before even my parents.  I announced it on a private message board first to a couple of people that read this blog.

I knew that it was going to be a touchy subject for my parents.  I felt that I needed to tell them early on in the process.  I need support through this from someone in my life a lot.  My mom was less than thrilled at the "backwards" way I think and thought that I was doing this for vanity.  It took a lot of convincing to put a dent in that belief.  I wasn't going to tell the rest of my family, but at my brother's wedding, I told my sister in law who has an adopted sister.  I knew she would support me from the beginning.  She did.  It was a much needed thing for someone to support me from the get go.

I also told one of the people I student teach with.  She is also a student teacher.  Because she is very similar to me in many ways, I knew that she would understand.

On the other end of the spectrum is Endrit.  He wants to tell his parents about it when we come home with the kids.  I gave my arguments as to why they need to know earlier than that and he listened.  Because it would be easier for family in Albania to help us with the adoption process, we want to tell his parents before they hear it second hand from a cousin.  So, when we are approved to start adoption proceedings in Albania, we will tell his parents.  Honestly, I know why he doesn't want to tell his parents.  His dad is very opinionated and will not be happy with this news.  Endrit wants to make up the lie that we are infertile so he doesn't have the consequences of adopting without "justified need".  I told him that it could be a spiritual learning experience for his parents because of the spiritual way that we were lead to this road.

There are many things to think about when announcing things like this.  The reaction of the public is the least worrying thing.  It is more of how much do people really need to know.  Who really needs to know?  I went through my Facebook today thinking about this question and deleted about half of my "friends".  More pruning might be in the future for when it comes time to write it on there.  I am sure that we will announce on there when we announce to Endrit's parents so it is still some time away.

It is nice to find out who my real friends are.

Medications

One of the biggest reasons why I even started thinking of adoption rather than biological children is the medications that I am on.  I have severe social anxiety.  It was interfering with my marriage until I was placed on medications a few months ago.  I was angry all the time.  I didn't want to go to church.  I didn't want to do anything.  I got sick of that feeling so I was placed on two medications.  One was for me to be able to shut my mind down to sleep and the other was to change the chemical levels in my brain.  It worked wonders.  It was like night and day within a week.  There were some things that came with it, but they were much better than my life without them.

Of course, you can't take these medications while pregnant.  I am not the person that says that I have to have a biological child no matter what.  I am not one to risk a child to stay on my medications.  So, I am torn on having the one biological child right now because of the medications.  Perhaps during the next few years I can change what I take so that it is safer during pregnancy.

I don't know if everyone reading knew I was on medications and I was thinking about what started me even thinking about adoption seriously and that was the point of no return.

Finally went to the temple

Today Endrit and I finally had the time and ability to go to the temple today.  It was interesting because we didn't go through a session.  We did baptisms so we were rarely in the same area of the temple together.  We didn't have the ability to talk to each other sitting down in a quiet room like usual.  I got my answers, he got his answers, but we didn't talk about it.

We didn't talk about it in the car going to our after temple lunch eatery.  Food was ordered before we started talking.  I just asked, what are your answers.

Up until this moment of time Endrit has said that it didn't get a bad feeling with adoption but he hadn't had the revelation himself.  He was fine planning for it with me, but that was it.

Today he said that it was 100% sure that we will adopt.  Both of us know that right now is not the time to start anything.  We will have our checklist of what we need that we will work on, but we won't do any paperwork.

Endrit said that today was one of the best days he has had in the temple.  I agree with that. It was an amazing day with an amazing step in the right direction.  Finally, Endrit is on the exact same page as me rather than letting me read ahead and tell him what happens.  It is the best feeling.

Dreams, dreams, dreams

Last night I dreamed that I was going to Albania with Endrit and a few other people including my parents and some of my students at school.  The dream included 3 flights and a flight cancellation.  It had paperwork that I needed to be doing and traveling around the country.  In my dream paperwork had to be saved for my 2 children I would adopt.  I saw the children.  They were older.  I would say 8 years old or so.  I have been having the oddest dreams here lately.

I sometimes wished that I knew more about all of the dream psych stuff.  Then there are other times that I really don't care about what I dreamed about.  Endrit and I have even had the same dream on the same night.  That happened 3 nights ago. We both dreamed that we were moving in with 2 other people.  Odd.

I post this on this blog because sometimes I just think it is my subconscious preparing me for what my future holds.  Both dreams had me moving in with 2 people, adopting 2 children.  It is obviously something that I am looking forward to. 

List of questions

In preparation for the phone calls that need to make, I am making a list of questions that need to be answered before I feel comfortable moving ahead with the adoption process.  I know that the agency that we will most likely be working with has temporary status to facilitate Hague convention adoptions.  That expires in March.  The other 2 agencies that are out of Utah don't facilitate adoptions through Albania.

So, when I call the state department, I need to ask how it works if I have a home study from a Hague convention agency, but not have the ability to go through that agency for the placement of a child.

I need to ask about the amount of money we need to make before adoption is possible. I need to ask about adopting twins.  I need to ask about 2 bedroom apartments.

There are so many things to do! I am glad that I am thinking about this now because I think that adoption paperwork and everything will go full force for everything around summertime.

I am still anxiously awaiting the result of me getting into graduate school or not.  The sad thing is that me, the queen of education, deep down, I don't really want to go to graduate school.  Honestly, if I am going to adopt and Endrit has the opportunity to graduate a year early, why would I want to make us stay here an extra year?  We will see what will happen in early March.  It is just a couple of weeks away.

Just more questions to ask.  Graduate school or not...more specifics about adoption.  I still love what I am doing.

A song that has been stuck in my head.

As I have gone through the years of heartache, hurt, illness, patience, and learning, I have tried to find a moto that I can live by.  A couple of months ago, I found the song that fits into a moto that I have adopted into my life.  Doris Day: Que Sera Sera

What will be, will be.

Still no real official update on adoption.  On Saturday a storm rolled through and it took everything out of me. So, we didn't end up going to the temple.  I don't think that Endrit will be able to objectively talk about anything in the future until after May 4th.  That is the big deadline for his proposal and I am not going to press the issue on anything until he feels ready to tackle it.  

I continue to pray every day for my children and the birth mother.  I pray for many things every day with regards to my children.  I feel the child I know I will give birth to is guiding me through everything.  Telling me to press issues with Endrit and when to back off for a while.  

So, que sera sera.

No temple trip yet

We decided that we will go to the temple on Saturday.  It will happen no matter what, but it is just delayed a little bit. I am fine with that because Endrit is really busy with his schooling.  He got put on a deadline for a proposal that seems to make him think that he will be done around May 2011.  This works out great for the adoption plans.  August 2011 is later than May so it is a logical connection.

My heart is at peace with everything.  I call and talk to the specific person from the state department tomorrow or Friday to get all of the information that I need to get everything started.

I can no longer get the smile off of my face.  This is the most peaceful I have felt in years.

Costs

I am starting to tabulate the costs that Albanian adoption is going to have.  It is 100% worth every penny, but there is a cost.

Home Study...$1,200+  Honestly, this is less than I thought it was going to be.
Paperwork...$670  I didn't expect any less.  Government paperwork always is expensive.
Travel...$5,000+/-  The bulk of the cost. It takes a bit to get to Albania and stay there for 2 weeks.

That is all I know as of right now. There might be fees in Albania. I still need to get a call from the state department.  Now to start saving.

The Start of My Story

    By the end of 2009 I knew that I wanted to adopt. I wasn't 100% sure I would, but the intent was in my heart. 2010 came and I was no closer to knowing than I had since the wedding. January 23rd came and changed my life.  It was the day that Adam and Alicia got married. I was sitting in the sealing room waiting for the rest of the wedding party to come in and I was thinking about random things.  

    I looked at the alter and I had a distinct impression that my children were with me.  I felt a boy and a girl saying that I will be sitting in the temple getting sealed to them in the future.  It seemed like more of a goodbye and they would see me soon.  It was something that I couldn't not feel.  It was so strong that I 

couldn't disregard it. It was a feeling that demanded my attention.

    I sat there stunned.  I talked to Endrit about it after and he didn't get that impression, but it didn't feel wrong.  That was good because usually Endrit tells me everything that I feel is wrong.  So this was a step in the right direction.  

    On January 25th, I felt my children come around me for the last time.  I have not felt them since.  They came to me to say a final goodbye and make me promise to find them.  I promised with all of my heart to do that.  Little sister even promised that she would guide me to them.

    On January 30th, Endrit and I went to the temple.  We did sealings.  We had time before they started the sealings to sit there and think.  I thought and prayed about what I had felt the week before and on that Monday.  I felt a little bit chastised by questioning it.  It was more of a you already got the answer so just prepare for it answer.  That was all it took to settle my heart.

    Endrit still needed to get his US passport so we made sure that he did that; almost to the point that he was getting mad at me.  We decided that we would prepare to go to Albania in the end of summer 2011 and look into going to an orphanage while we are there.

    This is the point that we are at.  We are going to the temple tomorrow to pray about everything to try and set up a timeline on when we should start our home study.  I need to find out if I am in my graduate school program because that will be a big determining factor for when we can adopt.  There are still many questions that need to be answered. 

When will Endrit get his graduate degree?  When will I know if I am in graduate school?  Where and when will I get a job?  Am I supposed to get a job?  I have a feeling to the answers to those questions, but I can never be 100% sure on something like that.

I am very excited to start this journey.  This blog will document my spiritual progress as well as the actual adoption process that we will be embarking upon.  

What Started the Ball Rolling?

The past 4 years have been absolutely incredible.  From the 19 year old girl that married her university sweetheart to the 24 year old that is sitting on the couch with a laptop writing this out is almost night and day.  I went in thinking that I will become a mother in a year or two.  The struggles with health.  Switching to natural birth control and having a miscarriage.  Gaining confidence in my own body but having my passion for adoption come deciding either adoption or home birth...then deciding on both.

This is the final start of this adoption journey.  In the back of my mind I always knew that I would adopt.  It has come more and more to the front of my mind in the last year or so.

I am excited to start out on this journey to bringing children into my home.