Issues

I have tried to keep this to myself.  I still would like to have any conversations as you read this as if you don't know the things that I am going to write.  This is hard for me to write out, so bare with me if it doesn't sound coherent.

The reason why I have not updated this blog in almost 2 months is because we switched gears.  We decided to try for a biological child.  This could be because 4 months ago we had a surprise pregnancy with an equally surprising miscarriage.  This wasn't our first miscarriage.  And as it has happened, wasn't our last either.

Endrit and I tried for a baby the first time in our married life in my August/September cycle.  We found out I was pregnant just to start miscarrying the next day.  It really hurt.  It did.  I can't even express how much it hurt.  It was my 3rd pregnancy with the same result.  But, children are important.  We want children.  It isn't that we feel bullied into children, we WANT them.

So, on to the September/October cycle.  I was happy to feel pregnant.  I was placed on progesterone after ovulation so that if that was the cause of the early miscarriages I would have something to prevent it.  Boy, I thought that this one was going to stick.  I was feeling horrid...well, I guess the better way to put it is pregnant.  I was happy with the morning sickness, the heartburn, the tender breasts, all of it that pointed to I might actually stay pregnant.  Then, my temperature dropped at the same time as my symptoms.  Just.Like.Last.Time.  I started spotting and I knew it was over.  Our 4th early pregnancy loss.  Hurt from the last time turned to devastation this time.

Through tears I asked Endrit if we could please not try again.  The only reason why we even started trying was because of money.  It is a lot less to have a child biologically than adopt from Albania.  I don't feel any less strong about adoption.  It is what we need to do.

I am so emotionally drained by our 4 miscarriages that since I feel so strongly about adoption I don't want to continue on trying.  It would be different if I just couldn't get pregnant.  But loosing a pregnancy is much harder than the thought of infertility.  At least with not being able to get pregnant you don't loose a potential life/child.  But this comes from a woman with repeat pregnancy loss and no infertility.

We are in limbo.  We are unsure where to go from here.  He would like to seek medical council.  I would like to get a home study.  Both of which cost a lot of money that we don't have.  We might just stay put until Endrit graduates.  It breaks my heart, but sometimes life is hard.  We will do what we need to do and that is all that I can ask of myself and Endrit.