Focus

When thinking about the what ifs, it is easy for me to try and change the course of my life.  Right now I am thinking of my graduate school.  I don't know what will happen.  I wanted to just get my endorsement and not worry about going through the entire program.  Well, last night I just confronted myself and really set everything out for myself.

I know that I am supposed to go to graduate school.  I will graduate with a Masters in May 2012.  It will happen no matter what.  I like to take the easy way out sometimes, but I am supposed to be in SLC until 2012.  Now the big decision is if I should take 4 classes this summer instead of 2.

As far as announcing our intentions with adoption to people, it is starting to get out.  The family knows.  There are a couple of people at church that know.  Endrit's parents still don't know.  I don't know why he won't tell them.  It is getting to be common knowledge.

There is still no timeline.  I am guessing that the beginning of next year we will have a better timeline.  Endrit will know his graduation date better and we will have our student loans paid off.  Things are really starting to look great.  Now if I could just keep my focus on graduate school.

Albania Connections

I always knew that we had Endrit's family as an Albanian connection. Now, there is another connection to Albania.  My aunt and uncle got called to the Tirana, Albania mission.  They are working with the "young adults" in the church in Tirana.  It is amazing that they are going to be there.  When Endrit and I go to Albania in a year or so my aunt and uncle will be there.  I am amazed how many connections I am starting to have with Albania.  Amazing...

I am tired

I am tired because Endrit and I talked a lot last night since we saw my new niece.  He admitted to me that the only reason why we don't have kids right now is because he wants to have a permanent job that makes over $20K.  He told me that he enjoyed watching me be all motherly to Darcee.  He told me that he is baby hungry.

I thought that it was sweet that he would say these things.

He said that he wants to be a Dad.  He also said that he is less and less likely to ask me to ever get pregnant.  I find that funny.  he has always wanted his genetic experiment but he is never going to ask me to get pregnant.  That is nice.  I still have not completely made up my mind about having a child of my own.  I still have time to think about it.

He always seems to know the right things to say.  He really liked little Darcee.  I can tell that he really liked being around a newborn.

Survival of the species

Being a scientist, I have taken a couple of genetics classes in my life.  Because of this, I have approached fertility with the same scientific eye.  I hated birth control so I got onto the fertility awareness method.  There was scientific proof and it was proven to work, as long as you know all the rules and follow them to the tee.  Well, it has worked for Endrit and I for a couple of years now.  I like it.

What does this have to do with the survival of the species?

Everything when you want to adopt rather than have a biologic child.  Being very fertile I know when I am ovulating.  When I ovulate, it is just natural to want to "relax" with Endrit.  I am in the middle of ovulation right now.

When I didn't know that I was in fact going to adopt, it was hard for me to even be in the mood even at the height of mood times.  Now that I know that I will be a mother, I can be in a good mood, get out the protection and do whatever I want.  I am in graduate school.  I have a very stressed husband.  My sister in law gave birth to her daughter today.  I just don't have that desire to get pregnant every time I ovulate.

So, I have been able to beat the survival of the species instinct.  Since I will be having a family (even if it is unconventionally) I just divert that instinct to mothering instead of becoming a natural mother.

Because of my injury we were unable to get to the temple today.  We will be going on Tuesday night.  Who knows what answers we will be able to receive.

Parallels

I was talking to a friend last night.  She is dealing with medical issues that affect fertility.  She is waiting to be able to use fertility medicine and I am waiting to start my paperwork.  It is amazing how many parallels can be made when you talk about children. There is WTTC, there is waiting to start fertility medications, there is waiting to adopt, etc.

I always thought that I would not find anyone who could empathize with me during this process.  I know that I could not empathize with the women who come to adoption because they have had experiences that I couldn't dream of having with infertility.

I don't know anyone who has decided to do what Endrit and I have decided to do.  But, it is something that I am able to empathize with in different circumstances.  I can be lead to my path by the spirit.  I can use my experiences to be able to teach my children.  I know that I am going to write these experiences down for my children.  I have another spiritual experience to write about, but I need to be able to write this correctly before I can post it.

There are some things that are a bit personal to write even though only my most trusted friends are able to read this.  I know that I will post it here when I am finished polishing it off.

"I can not stomach it"

This is what Endrit just said as we watched the TV show "Bones" when they were showing the remains of the body that will be investigated.  I think that it is funny because "gross" things always come back to childbirth.  I am glad that there is something that is easily brought up to remind Endrit why we are supposed to adopt.  It is for both our sanities; just in different realms.

We are going to the temple next week and thinking about timing and just getting more information.  I just have to make it through the week.  It has been a while since I have been to church because of illness or anxiety.  I have to go tomorrow because I am substituting for primary.  I definitely need to take a Xanax before I go so that I can enjoy everything and be able to really feel the spirit.

Talking More

It is nice that Endrit and I are able to talk about adoption more.  While we were going to my parent's house we were able to talk about it a little bit more since I got my email from the US Embassy in Tirane.  I was impressed to find out that we could potentially adopt 6 month old children rather than the 1 year old children that I had previously thought.

It was great to get the email from the embassy.  It is so real.  I love it.

A time to tell...

Endrit and I were talking the other day about when we are going to tell various people.  Obviously if you are reading this blog, you knew about it before even my parents.  I announced it on a private message board first to a couple of people that read this blog.

I knew that it was going to be a touchy subject for my parents.  I felt that I needed to tell them early on in the process.  I need support through this from someone in my life a lot.  My mom was less than thrilled at the "backwards" way I think and thought that I was doing this for vanity.  It took a lot of convincing to put a dent in that belief.  I wasn't going to tell the rest of my family, but at my brother's wedding, I told my sister in law who has an adopted sister.  I knew she would support me from the beginning.  She did.  It was a much needed thing for someone to support me from the get go.

I also told one of the people I student teach with.  She is also a student teacher.  Because she is very similar to me in many ways, I knew that she would understand.

On the other end of the spectrum is Endrit.  He wants to tell his parents about it when we come home with the kids.  I gave my arguments as to why they need to know earlier than that and he listened.  Because it would be easier for family in Albania to help us with the adoption process, we want to tell his parents before they hear it second hand from a cousin.  So, when we are approved to start adoption proceedings in Albania, we will tell his parents.  Honestly, I know why he doesn't want to tell his parents.  His dad is very opinionated and will not be happy with this news.  Endrit wants to make up the lie that we are infertile so he doesn't have the consequences of adopting without "justified need".  I told him that it could be a spiritual learning experience for his parents because of the spiritual way that we were lead to this road.

There are many things to think about when announcing things like this.  The reaction of the public is the least worrying thing.  It is more of how much do people really need to know.  Who really needs to know?  I went through my Facebook today thinking about this question and deleted about half of my "friends".  More pruning might be in the future for when it comes time to write it on there.  I am sure that we will announce on there when we announce to Endrit's parents so it is still some time away.

It is nice to find out who my real friends are.

Medications

One of the biggest reasons why I even started thinking of adoption rather than biological children is the medications that I am on.  I have severe social anxiety.  It was interfering with my marriage until I was placed on medications a few months ago.  I was angry all the time.  I didn't want to go to church.  I didn't want to do anything.  I got sick of that feeling so I was placed on two medications.  One was for me to be able to shut my mind down to sleep and the other was to change the chemical levels in my brain.  It worked wonders.  It was like night and day within a week.  There were some things that came with it, but they were much better than my life without them.

Of course, you can't take these medications while pregnant.  I am not the person that says that I have to have a biological child no matter what.  I am not one to risk a child to stay on my medications.  So, I am torn on having the one biological child right now because of the medications.  Perhaps during the next few years I can change what I take so that it is safer during pregnancy.

I don't know if everyone reading knew I was on medications and I was thinking about what started me even thinking about adoption seriously and that was the point of no return.